Back with the Ill Behavior

For anyone who’s been sitting on the edge of his or her seat with anticipation, eagerly awaiting my next blog post, I would foremost like to extend my deepest apologies for keeping you waiting. Secondly-let’s be honest here-you don’t exist, so POOF, vamoose, son of a bitch!

I think the only person who actually knows me, already knows the struggles I’ve had. No, I’m not talking about Jesus. This affords me the privilege of being honest with myself and you folks reading this. Since we’re talking honesty here, I’ll be direct–I managed to get off the needle, but I have slipped up a time or two without using the needle. They say relapse is a part of recovery, right? Although is is not a necessary part of recovery, it is an option. I don’t recommend it, my fellow addicts in recovery, for obvious reasons. Any addict always has another relapse in him or her, but not always another recovery. For a lot of you, that is about as cliche as it gets, but who knows? Maybe I just turned someone around with that sentence.

I’ve been told that it is a smart move to embarrass your sin before it embarrasses you–so that’s what I’m going for here. By publically tattling upon myself, I can help get this here monkey off my back and share it with ya’ll. I’m ready, people, I am so ready to be done with this ever-present demon that I allowed into my life, and tell him to hit the fucking road, Jack! But I’ll be damned if he doesn’t keep finding increasingly clever ways to try and sneak back into my life-straight up Hannibal Lecteresque type methods! But I have an Ally with me now, friends. I have a Friend that has been dealing with these kinds of assholes for millennia.

Don’t worry, I’m not gonna get all preachy, because for me and others like me, that’s not what it’s about. I simply like to provide some insight on my current condition because I hope others find Him on their own path. I can’t sit here and say you gotta do this, or He wants you to do that, because the truth of the matter is, everyone is given the free will to find it on their own. I dare anyone to defy that statement, because is a undeniable fact. Shit, actually, I heard an argument somewhere from a great intellect that free will is an illusion, and as I recall, the way it was explained sort of made sense. Either I am too stupid to wrap my head around that concept, or I just refuse to accept it because I KNOW I have the will to choose because I did! I was about as devout an atheist as there ever was. But guess what? I fucking chose to believe! Some really smart guy is gonna say ‘well there were situational forces which were outside the realm of your control which compelled you to believe in a Higher Power, therefore you didn’t really choose to believe and free will doesn’t exist.’

To that person I say you’re an asshole, because I chose that choice. Just like the rest of you can. I’m not completely sure if this post came out coherently, because I’ve been typing it on my phone, and my thumbs have had about all they can take for the time being. I’m gonna wrap up with this question: Are you choosing what you want in life, or are you letting it be chosen for you? Please comment your thoughts, I’d love to hear them, thank you!

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Posting Beats

So when the wonderful men and women in law enforcement systematically violated my constitutional rights by stealing my phone- which by the way, they didn’t even bother to justify to the tax-paying, 100% compliant, OIF/OEF war veteran they stole it from- it came to my attention that the hundreds of songs I had produced in Caustic would be gone forever if I were never able to retrieve my phone from these pig demons, who thrive on bullying the civilian population and climax at the thought of destroying lives under the thinly-veiled guise of “upholding the law”. It goes without saying that these brave heroes are exempt from those same laws, since men and women of this valorous character are held to a higher ethical standard which only their fellow officers can understand or judge….

I am getting off track here. I will be posting my music I’ve produced over the years here, with a short blurb attempting to explain where I was at, and what the fuck I was thinking, if anything, while I was composing these disasterpieces. I don’t think I generate a sliver of the web traffic needed for any of these songs to gain traction, and this is more of a means to archive these bad boys publicly. For better or worse, in the coming weeks my personal portfolio of electronically-produced songs will be shared. If you like them, let me know! If they are garbage- which assuredly, some of them are- spare my fragile ego and keep your fucking comments to yourself.

Abomination

Disappear

Not a Joke Anymore

You’re doing it all Wrong

I’ve been doing this blog thing for all but a few months now, and I’ve been touched by a brief moment of self-awareness which so rarely finds me these days. You know, that kind of perspective you gain on yourself when you realize Yeah, I am going on a drive which doesn’t require me to get out of the car, and most likely nobody will see me. I should probably put some pants on anyways. How embarrassing! I’ve been driving without pants on this whole time- figuratively and literally.

I kinda jumped into this thing like pompous windbag, belching my problems into the ether, as if the ether wasn’t already rife with problems. As superficially shitty of a person I seem to be, I truly don’t want to add to the endless litany of voices screaming ‘woe is me’ unto deaf ears- unable to hear, with the exception of their own plight.

Before one can empathize with ‘woe is anyone besides oneself’ one must understand his or her neighbor’s thoughts, feelings, motivations, and fears. After those have been identified, we can start doing a side by side comparison to see how it checks out with our own experiences- a woe-meter, if you will. Understanding your neighbor’s woes, and running them through the woe-meter while considering their circumstances, guaged against your own, will either result in achieving empathy. Then you get to decide whether their woes are either, like, WOAH, or more like NO. Is this all a bunch of bullshit I’ve concocted on the spot? Why don’t you figure that out for yourself, you seem to be a responsible individual.

What I’m getting at is I’m going to start telling my story in this blog, and bring the woe level down to a dull roar. Also, as an added bonus, I will try… yes, try really hard to be a little more active in the WordPress community in general. Does anyone care? Probably not, but I know I’ll be getting my 8 hours of sleep at night. My story will be accurate from my viewpoint, but names will be changed to protect the innocent- but more so the guilty. I’ll try to keep things interesting but relatable. Feel free to throw forth your mighty bolts of judgement from yon ivory towers of cowardly fortitude. My shield of self-loathing +3 renders me all but impervious to such simple rhetoric. But be warned! This place reeks of indifference to all but the most complimentary praise and admiration.

NOTE All the images/artwork on BreakAway are original and produced by me. Consider it all Copywriten as of 2018. If you want to use any material, just ask, I will probably say yes.

Redo

So yeah, my last post was perhaps a bit on the dark side, and that just seems like a lazy way to start a blog. I mean, who hasn’t had the occassional impulse to swerve into oncoming traffic during rush hour? That doesn’t mean everyone needs to hop on their computer and express their “feelings”- I’m pretty sure they have pills for that. I’m willing to suppress my crippling depression long enough to turn this ship around, so buckle down, folks, the waves are looking a little choppy!

The dilemna I find myself in now is my lack of employment. It wasn’t until I stopped working that I realized how much of my identity is tied to my job. Which is really stupid, since I was essentially working my ass off for a below industry standard salary only to line the pockets of the company executives and their board of fucking villians. The moment a company gets big enough to have stocks, shareholders, and a board of directors, that is the kiss of death for the worker drones. You’re no longer a person when that happens; you’re a resource. A commodity- even worse yet a liability. If you step out of alignment, you’d better fucking get with the program, because this paycheck? This paycheck right here? This is gonna go to the next person who can do your job better and cheaper than you, so stick your nose up the board’s ass and be greatful for breathing their shit-air, because you have a mortgage, and kids, and a wife with expensive tastes. Hooray for corporate slavery!

So yeah, I’ve been dealing with not having a job through the holidays, and therefore have been a bit salty as of late. I see the horizon though, and let me tell you, it’s looking like it’s gonna be a bright, bright sunshiny day. (it’s not)

There we go, that was a much more constructive string of thoughts than my last post.