Another Day… No Dollar Though

That’s right, another day of existence is added to the growing collection of days which will be forgotten and meaningless. I have nearly lost my “Mojo”, or if it isn’t gone already, it’s on life support in the ICU, being cared for by Dr. Kevorkian. I’m having a hard time seeing the glass as being half full lately, because I’m seriously struggling with doing anything more than existing. I have been on/off with maintaining sobriety- which considering my circumstances, is pretty fucking commendable, I’d say. To elaborate, my significant other has kinda picked up one of my nasty habits, and fucking took off with it on her own, at a speed that has more or less surpassed my usage. So there’s one thing that I can etch into my legacy’s stone tablet of significant life accomplishments: pusher of addictive and dangerous substances, and sharer of misery. My point is that it’s damn near impossible to quit anything addictive, if the person you’re living with has the same habit. So I suppose it’s the circle of life, or poetic justice, or fucking whatever that I would afflict that curse on a loved one, only to have it come back and gingerly goose me while I’m trying to get my ish together! If I had a nickel for every time karma shot me with its painfully righteous darts, I’d still only have about a half dozen nickels. Yeah, I’m not a bad guy who goes around screwing people over, but when I fuck somebody without the lube, it will most assuredly come back later to fuck me unmercifully, harder, and with even less lube.

All metaphorical sex acts aside, I am fighting with the vigor comparable to Ben Stein’s voice to get my life back on track. Sure there isn’t much enthusiasm there, but I am droning through at a flat, continuous pace, slowly and painfully making it through the day and looking back to say “at least I didn’t off myself”. For some that may not seem worth writing in a blog that few will even read, but these days I try to celebrate even the most pitiful of deeds (or ‘non-deeds’ as it were), because what else do I really have?

I would like to believe that my worst years are behind me- but honestly I would probably being doing myself a disservice, as they could be much worse. I’m kind of hoping to at least keep this streak sub-mediocrity, anti-accomplishment behavior going just a bit longer. As long as nobody expects anything of me, I will not disappoint!

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You’re doing it all Wrong

I’ve been doing this blog thing for all but a few months now, and I’ve been touched by a brief moment of self-awareness which so rarely finds me these days. You know, that kind of perspective you gain on yourself when you realize Yeah, I am going on a drive which doesn’t require me to get out of the car, and most likely nobody will see me. I should probably put some pants on anyways. How embarrassing! I’ve been driving without pants on this whole time- figuratively and literally.

I kinda jumped into this thing like pompous windbag, belching my problems into the ether, as if the ether wasn’t already rife with problems. As superficially shitty of a person I seem to be, I truly don’t want to add to the endless litany of voices screaming ‘woe is me’ unto deaf ears- unable to hear, with the exception of their own plight.

Before one can empathize with ‘woe is anyone besides oneself’ one must understand his or her neighbor’s thoughts, feelings, motivations, and fears. After those have been identified, we can start doing a side by side comparison to see how it checks out with our own experiences- a woe-meter, if you will. Understanding your neighbor’s woes, and running them through the woe-meter while considering their circumstances, guaged against your own, will either result in achieving empathy. Then you get to decide whether their woes are either, like, WOAH, or more like NO. Is this all a bunch of bullshit I’ve concocted on the spot? Why don’t you figure that out for yourself, you seem to be a responsible individual.

What I’m getting at is I’m going to start telling my story in this blog, and bring the woe level down to a dull roar. Also, as an added bonus, I will try… yes, try really hard to be a little more active in the WordPress community in general. Does anyone care? Probably not, but I know I’ll be getting my 8 hours of sleep at night. My story will be accurate from my viewpoint, but names will be changed to protect the innocent- but more so the guilty. I’ll try to keep things interesting but relatable. Feel free to throw forth your mighty bolts of judgement from yon ivory towers of cowardly fortitude. My shield of self-loathing +3 renders me all but impervious to such simple rhetoric. But be warned! This place reeks of indifference to all but the most complimentary praise and admiration.

NOTE All the images/artwork on BreakAway are original and produced by me. Consider it all Copywriten as of 2018. If you want to use any material, just ask, I will probably say yes.

Swing and a Miss

Nothing more gratifying than spending an inordinant amount of time and effort on a project that will ultimately crumble through no one else’s fault but your own. It … And by it, I mean everything, is so much easier when there is a scapegoat within earshot. Pointing your finger at someone unsuspecting is all the more satisfying. I challenge you to do it, if you haven’t already. I’m willing to bet you’ve already tasted that bitter, low-hanging fruit, yeah? What am I even talking about? If I heard myself talking like that, I think I would feel obligated to beat the shit out of myself.

I fuckin fell off the horse. Or did I get back on the horse? Or is it a wagon? Do those terms only apply to AA? Is my ignorance showing?

I haven’t really even started treatment yet, so I guess none of that shit applies to my situation quite yet. Maybe if I publicly admit to my incompetence as a normal human being, I can shame myself into sobriety. That’s a legitimate method to living a normal, healthy lifestyle, right? I mean, it seems to be working out pretty well for Scientology- and we all know how prestigious and credible their dogma is. If some 19 year old kid can show me the path to enlightenment by having me put my hands on his magical thetan detector, and he throws in a convincing sales pitch to buy L. Ron Hub’s impressive library of choose your own adventure books; well I’d be a fool not to fork over all my earnings! That’s like one step from being a Jedi! Paying taxes? That’s for mere mortals. If you ask me, I think the word “cult” is thrown out there with a little too much prejudice. I think of them as a club that is perpetually engaged in a LARP session that never ends, but without any of the magic, or medieval weapons, or smiling… and you aren’t allowed to quit. Ever. If you break character there will be some helpful rehabilitation sessions to assist with maintaining the proper thetan levels. All hail Zenu.

Yeah so I guess my counter resets to zero now. FML.

I Hate This Place

So it’s my birthday today. I really don’t have anything significant to post other than I truly understand what it’s like to be at the end of my rope. You always think you’ve reached the end, but it turns out there’s always just a little bit more you can give. I’m sure you can relate, right Internet? Like you think in the moment, how much more shit could possibly hit the fan? It turns out there’s always just a little bit more… shit, that is. The shit doesn’t always come, but it doesn’t hurt to anticipate the shit before it comes at you. Then, when the shit doesn’t come, it just makes life that much more tolerable. So the moral of the story is shit happens- sometimes it doesn’t though.

Light at the end of the Tunnel

As stated in a previous post, I’ll start posting my really dark secrets once I’ve configured a pseudonym. Yeah, I know that should consist of a few clicks and keyboard strokes on the profile edit page- but that is a lot steps for the Prince of Procrastination to endure. For now, I’ll do what I’m mediocre at, and that is being vague. I learned it from watching my wife, she’s a professional vaguery dispenser. You know what I’m talking about? Like the kind of vague that’s so vague, it’s creeps on the thin border of being passive-agressive. Now she’s a fucking wizard when it comes to the art of passive aggressive techniques. I think I’m rambling at this point, so let’s see if we can pull this ship around, and put her back on track.

So I have a job interview today, which I am sure is something I’m overqualified for, thus this interview should be cake walk. It is for a lead service desk analyst position. Which, is most definitely the direction I don’t want to go in for my career, but I’m drowning in bills so I’ll take what I can get.

*** 24 hours later ***

So I did pretty well on the interview- at least for interview numero uno. There ended up being two interviews because they had me as applying for the level one service desk position. I know you are probably literally at the edge of your seat, nearly at the brink of climax with all these exciting details, but hang tight- just like a long-winded fortune cookie, this blurb has some takeaways which might just make a difference in someone’s life. I know personally that there are forks in the road which the outcomes lead to drastically different circumstances. Although, unlike a choose your own adventure book, you can’t hold your thumb on the choice page while you check ahead to see if on page 53 you perish or prosper. But I digress…

Since this blog is a knowledge dump(ish), I should probably start dumping some kind of relevant life experience out there, lest this page drift furthder into the tides of obscurity. So I can honestly detach myself from what little ego I have left and give myself a fair assessment of how I did during the interview(s). This is partially because I asked point blank, how did I do during this interview? Honestly I don’t think I phrased it quite like that, but one of the first things I said when asked if I had any questions was something along those lines. Often the people that conduct these interviews are doing so because it’s a part of their routine in their organization. If nothing else, if I’ve bombed an interview- yeah, shocking but true- I take that queue to pick their brains on the interview process. Who better to get tips on what you should and shouldn’t do than the people who drive the fucking process, am I right, people!? For fuck’s sake, don’t tell them you don’t have any questions when you are asked what are your questions! There’s a reason they say that- they want to be sure you’re paying attention, and have a genuine interest in the organization, and aren’t being coerced into this interview to avoid getting kicked out of your parents’ basement, a la Step Brothers.

***

Time to abruptly end this post, it’s now over two days since that interview, and if more relevant topics emerge from the nether regions of my mind, I’ll be sure to regurgitate it onto this page.