Derelict

I thought I’d take a minute to check in on my utter failure, trash heap of a blog, to once again throw my thoughts into the void, where they can be kept safe from an eternal death. Oh no, I’d much rather prefer they be kept here in limbo, preserved perfectly for no one to see. I’m not even sure what the URL for this site is anymore since my business plan subscription expired, and the likelihood of me coming up with the money to purchase my old domain is somewhere between my ass and the municipal sewers. Let’s be honest though, that domain name sucked balls anyways. So we won’t mention it ever again, but for the time being keep the name Breakaway to serve as a gut wrenching reminder of yet another failed endeavor. Go me!

In other news, it turns out that my military service allows me to enjoy other benefits aside from deeply troubling mental scars, an inability to emotionally connect with other people, and a free meal at Chili’s once a year- I get to use the VA’s ER whenever the need shall arise; and in my case the need has definitely arose. For quite some time now, I have used every excuse in the book- and some new ones- to justify my addiction. In my core, as lifeless as it is, I can no longer lie to myself. As it turns out, I can’t enjoy any kind of success in the conventional way- stable finances, healthy and long lasting friendship, being a good example and source of wisdom/guidance for my daughter, keeping a regularly scheduled bowel movement*- while I’m living this exhausting and treacherous lifestyle, more attractive and suitable for scoundrels than the typical family man. If you take one thing away from this mass of grammatically mistaken words, please know that there is no judgement here. If anything, I am jealous of those who can comfortably shed their material possessions to enjoy a sense of contentment many will go entire lifetimes without knowing. It is a grueling lifestyle, to be sure, but not without some rewards.

Now you’re probably thinking Oh, you mean to tell me you can’t be a junkie and Dad of year simultaneously?! Get the mayor on the phone, he must be informed of this at once! I don’t care if he is signing a bill which will end poverty, crime, and disease forever, this guy’s got a hot tip with Nobel prize written all over it- but we need to act fast before this information falls into the wrong hands! God help us if our enemies crack this code before we inform the proper channels. But as unnecessarily long as that last deviation from the current topic was, it still served to illustrate an important point: I am an idiot, and everything I say should be taken with a grain of salt.

What I’m actually getting at here is that I am going to the ER at the VA to start a medically assisted detox that has been long, long…. long overdue. My veins are trashed, my appearance would allow me to be a serious contender for Faces of Meth, my credibility jumped screaming out the window like it was on a burning bus, and my overall motivation to do things in general is shoddy at best. I’m struggling to find the will to even finish this blog post. I’m curious if it will even be seen by another human being.

At any rate I just wanted to publicly dismiss this wretched cretin I’ve become hopefully forever. This fiend has held me in its clutches long enough, so it’s time to break free- or breakaway as it were, ha ha- and get my fucking life back. I miss being genuinely happy, I miss my diligent work ethic, I miss having money and material possessions, I miss being reliable, I miss making a promise and being able to keep it, I miss hanging out with normal people, and most of all I miss my wife and daughter. Yes, I currently still see them every day, but I’m either too busy hustling or being in a stupor to actually enjoy the subtle nuances which comprise our unique relationship.

So aside from the looming threat of imprisonment, I now have also stated my intent to achieve and maintain sobriety in front of … well, I don’t really know if one person will read this, or a few dozen, but let’s just say for the sake of my well being that I’m announcing this “publicly”. I couldn’t help but chuckle as I wrote that. So that’s that, folks, I’m hoping my next post will be written as the real me, stone-cold sober, personal flaws and all. As numerous as my personality defects are as the sober me, they pale in comparison to this asshole I’ve become.


*If you didn’t know already, H and opioids in general can cause excruciating constipation. Knowing is half the battle, kids.

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