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28
Feb

Swing and a Miss

Nothing more gratifying than spending an inordinant amount of time and effort on a project that will ultimately crumble through no one else’s fault but your own. It … And by it, I mean everything, is so much easier when there is a scapegoat within earshot. Pointing your finger at someone unsuspecting is all the more satisfying. I challenge you to do it, if you haven’t already. I’m willing to bet you’ve already tasted that bitter, low-hanging fruit, yeah? What am I even talking about? If I heard myself talking like that, I think I would feel obligated to beat the shit out of myself.

I fuckin fell off the horse. Or did I get back on the horse? Or is it a wagon? Do those terms only apply to AA? Is my ignorance showing?

I haven’t really even started treatment yet, so I guess none of that shit applies to my situation quite yet. Maybe if I publicly admit to my incompetence as a normal human being, I can shame myself into sobriety. That’s a legitimate method to living a normal, healthy lifestyle, right? I mean, it seems to be working out pretty well for Scientology- and we all know how prestigious and credible their dogma is. If some 19 year old kid can show me the path to enlightenment by having me put my hands on his magical thetan detector, and he throws in a convincing sales pitch to buy L. Ron Hub’s impressive library of choose your own adventure books; well I’d be a fool not to fork over all my earnings! That’s like one step from being a Jedi! Paying taxes? That’s for mere mortals. If you ask me, I think the word “cult” is thrown out there with a little too much prejudice. I think of them as a club that is perpetually engaged in a LARP session that never ends, but without any of the magic, or medieval weapons, or smiling… and you aren’t allowed to quit. Ever. If you break character there will be some helpful rehabilitation sessions to assist with maintaining the proper thetan levels. All hail Zenu.

Yeah so I guess my counter resets to zero now. FML.

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22
Feb

Putting it Back Together

Jesus Christ, what a mess.

I’m on day four (?) of sobriety, and I forgot how miserable this is. Yeah, there are things that can distract me for a few minutes- sex, TV, video games, food; but it passes so quickly. Then I’m left with myself again. It is so much easier to get that needle in my vein and just push that magical substance up my brain and experience happiness in the blink of an eye. It’s so much easier than working for it. Judge me if you want, but if you’ve had a taste of it, then you know what I’m talking about. I think that I’m just like anyone else, I just want to be happy. Getting high makes me happy. The hardest part about sobriety is I will never forget what that feels like. I can never “untaste” that feeling. As long as I’m alive, it’s always going to be screaming at me, trying to pull me back towards it’s grip. I would do anything just to feel it one more time, but I can’t. The state says I can’t, my wife says I can’t, my family says I can’t, and without words, or even any willful sentiment, my daughter says I can’t. That’s the hardest one. I have let my daughter down for so long because I’ve been so selfish. I’ve been slowly committing suicide (so I’ve been told) with these needles, and putting myself closer to the grave just so I can experience happiness forbidden by logic. It doesn’t make sense to any rational person- why the fuck would you shove a disgusting needle in your arm? Are you trying to kill yourself? Don’t you want to live to see tomorrow?

Nobody understands unless you’ve done it, so if nothing else, just know that ignorance is bliss. I guess you could take that several different ways in this context. This is so hard, but I’m doing it for my daughter. My life has all but fallen apart, so I guess it’s time to stop fucking around and fix this mess I’ve created.

18
Feb

Back Against the Wall

I know all 2 of my followers have been just dying to know what’s been going down in my neck of the woods. Truthfully, things haven’t been going all that great for me. I can hear the world’s tiniest violin, stringing out the most woeful of tunes, amongst an ocean of woeful tunes in this shitstorm of hellfire we call life. Life is one big shit sandwich, and each one of us has to take a bite.

I had a recent encounter with those boys in blue who do nothing but act on the public’s behalf, protecting and serving society, putting the state’s interest humbly above their own. Now if I am breaking the law, that would mean I’m acting against the State’s interest in keeping an orderly and safe society, and I should be willing to pay the price for whatever misgiving I have inflicted against the public. Here’s what I don’t fucking get- what about victimless crimes? I say victimless, because I’m not even willing to call myself a victim in this case. That’s right, straight up victimLESS, motherfuckers, nobody here is being wronged or shortchanged. But because that would leave not nearly enough people incarcerated in our prison system, the state gets to decide whether you are a victim against your own actions. Is that justice? I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over all that money being dumped into this section of the economy.

Let’s be honest, that’s all it is is a rather large chunk of our economy which has been taken to a new extreme by a machine fueled and kept well-lubricated with money. That’s messed up in itself, but what I find insulting is how it is being masqueraded around as “justice”. Justice has become a little warped over the years, hasn’t it? It seems to benefit those who profit off the system, at the expense of society as a whole. If our system is a detriment to the public, while benefiting a select few, well then that’s not really justice is it?

I would love to get all kinds of specific with this one, but it’s not in my best interests to do so at this time. Maybe when this all blows over.

14
Feb

Stick ’em Up

I know I’m not the first person to notice, comment on, and even publicly decry the absolute absurdity of both the volume and nature of American holidays. Come on, people, freaking National Hot Dog Day? What exactly is being celebrated there? Is it supposed to represent America’s success in being the world’s boiling pot? Despite the fact that our government swept the indigenous population of these fair lands onto reservations like so many meat packing plant floor sweepings, the American Dream  is obtainable for every asshole, set of lips, and eyelids, so long as you pledge allegiance and recite your oath of fealty every day during the initial indoctrination phase of your childhood. I am not even sure what I’m really talking about any more, I haven’t slept well since I can’t remember when.

I mention this because you all know what money-siphoning, coercive, mandatory show of emotions, day of celebration is obnoxiously making its presence known by peering in through the front windows of our doorstep. That’s right, it’s the most bullshit holiday of all: Valentine’s Day! What better way to express your true love than to spend a month’s paycheck on some rare metal and some small chunks of compressed carbon that was procured by an African warlord, using slave labor from his most recent conquest. Really gives you a warm and fuzzy when you think about how the baubles we decorate our hands with have sometimes been used to fund military campaigns which have inflicted violence and misery, the likes of which most of us have never seen.

I’m done with this nonsense, happy freaking Valentines.